I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
