Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
