you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
