It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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