I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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