I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I've blown a few things in my day
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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