ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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