Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just invented taco cereal.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
