It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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