Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
