She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
