She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
