Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
