dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
