I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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