why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
