so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
