I met the friendliest cop last night
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
