I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
