my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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