Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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