when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Vodka?
Forever.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
