We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
