my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
