Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
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I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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