Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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