Swine flu. Run for my life!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
