Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
