I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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