there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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