I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
