I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
