dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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