Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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