Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
