Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
