Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
