connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
