If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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