Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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