my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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