I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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