On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
