I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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