They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
