Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
