Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Actions speak louder than pants.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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