we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
