Ketchup is God's man juice
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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