we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
