i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
