Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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