I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
