So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
