whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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